Scott's Edition 60: Grab Your Nitroglycerin Pills

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April 10, 2022

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The Name Behind the News

April 10, 2022

Edition 60: Grab Your Nitroglycerin Pills

Welcome to Q2! We're not off to a great start. The ongoing Russian invasion of Ukraine, spiraling inflation, and the never-ending Will Smith memes certainly paint a bleak picture. But, remember that there are good things happening in the world too! Like college basketball getting rid of Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski. He plans to retire to Sesame Street where he'll teach children how to count.

With that all-over-the-place introduction, let's dive into this week's news!

Weekly Stats

# of U.S. COVID cases (7-day average)

26,596, ↑ 4.9% since last week.... uh oh.

% of U.S. population fully vaccinated

65.7%, ↑ 0.2% since last week.

% of Supreme Court Justices who are white males (as of this coming June)

44.44%... makes sense because I'm pretty sure America as a county is 44.44% white male... right?

# of famous Washington, DC Democrats who tested positive for Covid-19

37*

# of Scott's Editions sent to you this week

1, ↑ since last week.

*Allegedly, the Proud Boys have hired the coronavirus as a consultant to teach them how to successfully infiltrate Congress.

As Richmond's self-proclaimed arbiter of the written word, I'm always looking for a way to make the English language more elegant. I've consulted with Hollywood writer Jordan Dumbroff to fill the void. Each week, we'll add a new, much needed word to the English language!

Shilly

/SHilē/

adjective

When the air around you is cool, but it's sunny, so you are still warm
A pleasant, temperate experience resulting from a combination of cool temperatures and sunny skies

Ex: "What a gorgeous day! It really is quite shilly!"

"It's not chilly at all! In fact it's very pleasant!"

"Yeah, I agree. It's shilly, not chilly"

"I don't know, third base!"

Week in Review

Dark Side of Europe: This week, in support of Ukraine, Pink Floyd released their first music in 28 years. Apparently, if you start the song at the same time as the Broadway show Wicked, everyone else in the audience gets mad at you.

Uber Flights: This summer, in the UK, Uber will introduce plane bookings to its app. To ensure it works smoothly, CEO Dara Khosrowshahi has asked anyone booking a flight through Uber to stand outside of their jet bridge, so the plane knows where to pick them up.

Amazon Unionizes: Last Friday, workers at an Amazon warehouse in Staten Island made history by voting to unionize. Among other demands, the union plans to ask for larger restrooms. Amazon says they'll meet this demand by providing each employee with a 64oz YETI Rambler.

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Want to get a newsletter once a week filled with stupid jokes and political nonsense? You can sign up for Scott's Edition! And today we thank our sponsor for making that all possible: Me! Is this sponsorship self-aggrandizing? You bet it is. But, hey, you're not paying for this. I don't owe you anything! I can write whatever I want! Leave me alone!

Thanks for reading!

Rothstein Roundup

Now that March Madness has come to a close and the Kansas Jayhawks sit atop the podium, it's time to check in with college basketball's premier analyst, Jon Rothstein. We caught up with him to understand some of his post-game Twitter team nicknames.

Tweet: "Virginia basketball. A thing of beauty."

Rothstein: This is a great slogan for the Tony Bennett-coached team. They play efficient offense, limit turnovers, and run their patented world-class pack-line defense. It's simply beautiful.

Tweet: "Villanova basketball. A Fortune 500 Company. It runs itself."

Rothstein: This Philadelphia-based club wins so consistently, it's as if they're a polished big-name organization. And like any Fortune 500 Company, they don't have any leadership. They just run themselves!

Tweet: "West Virginia basketball. Tougher than a long weekend at your in-laws."

Rothstein: They're just fierce competitors who are able to consistently force their visitor into submission. And so is the West Virginia basketball team.

Tweet: "Omaha. Somewhere in middle America."

Rothstein: It is. If you don't believe me, just look at a map. I swear, I checked. It's right there in the middle.

Tweet: "Mick Cronin. More consistent than a Few Good Men on a rainy Sunday."

Rothstein: Not gonna lie, I was high when I wrote that one.

Thanks, Jon! We'll see you next year. Hope you get some sleep in May.

Comics Described

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.

Non Sequitur by Wiley Miller for April 05, 2022

In this single panel cartoon, we see Moses leading a long line of people as the sea parts around them. In front of Moses sits a yellow and black striped caution barrier with a stop sign fixed to it. Behind the barrier are three scientists. One scientist uses a magnifying glass to analyze the dirt, while another scientists inspects a fish. A third scientist stands with a clipboard and explains to Moses, "I know, I know... but you still have to wait until we finish the environmental impact report." The title of the comic strip reads, "The California Version of Exodus."

Hot dog, that's funny! Hopefully they can finish their analysis before the Egyptians catch up!

Thanks for reading!

Congrats to Josh D. on getting married! Jessie and Gary, thanks for visiting the Mond!

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