Scott's Edition 59: Madness

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March 27, 2022

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The Name Behind the News

March 27, 2022

Edition 59: Madness

Welcome back! After the two basketball games last night, we've reached the Super Six! If 15-seed St. Peter's can upset North Carolina tonight, then we'll get the matchup humanity has been waiting for since the dawn of time: St. Peter vs. the Devil!

If that doesn't happen and Kansas beats Miami, then we'll get one of the most normal Final Fours in years: Duke, UNC, Kansas, Villanova. No one wants that. Go peacocks!

With that, let's dive into this week's news!

Weekly Stats

# of U.S. COVID cases (7-day average)

27,134, ↓ 5.4% since last week.

% of U.S. population fully vaccinated

65.4%, ↑ 0.1% since last week.

# of basketball games Kyrie Irving can play in for the rest of the season

8, ↑ 6 since last week

# of Scottish Lords and Ladies

↑ a bunch. At tonight's Oscars, actor and director nominees will receive a plot of Scottish land, thereby making them a Lord or Lady. So much for trying to get rid of #OscarsSoWhite.

Total possible remaining college basketball games coached by a ferret

2.... Bye, Coach K!

As Richmond's self-proclaimed arbiter of the written word, I'm always looking for a way to make the English language more elegant. I've consulted with Hollywood writer Jordan Dumbroff to fill the void. Each week, we'll add a new, much needed word to the English language!

Cloyman

/kloy-man/

noun

The Crown's royal oyster man
The man who serves oysters to royals (i.e. the King and Queen)

Ex: "Why thank you, my dear cloyman," exclaimed the King as the briny shell was shucked.

"It's cloy-person!" yelled the Prince who had recently accepted a position as a reporter at MSNBC.

"Oh, shut up you woke snowflake," said the King and slurped up his snack.

Week in Review

Change Up: This week, Russia allegedly changed its invasion goals from taking the capital city of Kyiv to merely controlling the Donbas region of eastern Ukraine. Vladimir Putin explained this shift to a battalion of troops stating, "It's like when you order a cheeseburger at a restaurant. No one really wants the whole cheeseburger, they just want the bottom bun. Right? Right?!?"

Batman Villains: Warner Bros. released a deleted scene from The Batman on Friday that includes the Joker, a popular Batman villain. While the Riddler starred in the most recent film, fans believe the Joker will play the antagonist in the sequel. Some fans think the third film could feature the Wordler, a villain who only takes hostages in five-letter locations.

Sorry Miss Jackson: but Republicans have some questions for you. At Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson's Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on Wednesday, Ted Cruz asked about her stance on a children's book that teaches critical race theory. The Senator's argument actually changed my views. I now believe that he can read. Good job, Teddy!

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The Final Kountdown

At next week's Final Four, Coach Mike Krzyzewski will lead the Duke Blue Devils for the last time. After 47 years, Coach K has amassed an impressive 1,202-367 record with ten ACC Tournament championships and five NCAA Tournament championships. This year, he'll compete in his record 13th Final Four. When asked about his list of accomplishments, he humbly explained, "This isn't about me. It's about the team. I tell the players that, and I try to push them. I ask, 'How many games can you win this season for me?' and 'What records can you break that I haven't already broken.' It's really about them going out there and playing their best to get me a win."

Duke will face the winner of UNC and St. Peter's who play today at 5:05 PM. "It's definitely going to be a good game. The world is watching and asking, will the underdog knock us off or will Coach K win again?" stated third-person afficionado Coach K. "The only banners we hang up in Cameron Indoor Stadium are Championship banners," explained Krzyzewski as he looked on at the maintenance staff hanging a "Coach K - 100 NCAA Tournament Victories" banner right next to his "Coach K 1,000 Wins" banner.

When asked which Duke player will contribute most in the upcoming semifinal game, Coach K offered, "Well, most of these guys are only playing 37, 38 minutes a game. I'm out there for all 40 minutes. Do you know how difficult the constant sitting and standing is? So yeah... I'd have to say me." A reporter pressed Coach K to name an actual player. A perturbed Krzyzewski asked to see a roster as he couldn't "quite remember the players' names at the moment."

A win on Saturday would grant Duke a chance to compete in the Finals on Monday. It looks like the tournament is panning out just the way Coach K predicted in his bracket below.

Where's Waldo?

Answer below.

Comics Described

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.

Wizard of Id by Parker and Hart for March 26, 2022

In the first panel, the Wizard holds up a Christmas tree shaped air freshener. He tells his wife, Blanch, "This new air freshener will make any room smell like the great outdoors."

In the second panel, Blanch replies, "Nice! What's in it?"

In the third panel, Blanch looks unamused as Wiz replies, "Nox and Carbon Monoxide!"

Hahaha our world is dying!

Where's Waldo Answer: He's at the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing!

Thanks for reading! As you may have noticed, I'll only be sending out Scott's Edition every other week from now on. Unless I choose to do it more often. Then it'll come out more often.

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