Scott's Edition 58: Spring Forward

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March 13, 2022

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The Name Behind the News

March 13, 2022

Edition 58: Spring Forward

Virginia Tech has won the ACC Basketball Championship. This unheard of, shocking result threw the world into chaos. Following the win, dogs howled, babies cried, and time literally changed. Imagine what would happen if the school ever won a National Title.

Well, no need to spend time thinking about the impossible. With that, let's dive into this week's news!

Weekly Stats

# of U.S. COVID cases (7-day average)

37,147, ↓ 28.8% since last week.

% of U.S. population fully vaccinated

65.2%, ↑ 0.2% since last week.

Current Time (ET)

7:25 PM, ↑ 1 hour since last week

Color of Chicago River

Green, ↻ 1 on the color wheel since last week

First ever NCAA Tournament Champion

*The Oregon Webfoots back in 1939

*The University of Oregon was forced to change the school's mascot after a palmate advocacy group protested that only ducks should have the right to use the term "Webfoot."

As Richmond's self-proclaimed arbiter of the written word, I'm always looking for a way to make the English language more elegant. I've consulted with Hollywood writer Jordan Dumbroff to fill the void. Each week, we'll add a new, much needed word to the English language!

Zook

/zook/

verb

To be woken up in a state of panic by someone else who is panicking.

Ex: I was zooked awake by my dog licking my face frantically.

"What is it boy?!?" I yelled fearfully.

"Shhh. Calm down," he responded, "You don't have a dog, remember?"

"Oh, right," I said. I took a few deep breaths and then fell back into a deep, calm slumber.

Week in Review

Russian Reporters: This week, Russia announced a new "fake news" law that would put anyone contradicting the government in jail for up to 15 years. In response, global news outlets have evacuated their reporters. Scott's Edition was ahead of the curve as we haven't sent any reporters anywhere ever.

Gassed Up: Today, the average price of regular-grade gasoline in the U.S. hit $4.43 per gallon, affecting various industries. Due to this increase in oil prices, the next Thor movie budget has allegedly doubled to support Tom Hiddleston's hair treatment.

Happy Holidays: Tuesday was International Women's Day! In response, men have agreed to take the remaining 364 for themselves. Seems fair.

SPONSORED BY COVID

Celebrating our two year anniversary!

Happy lockdowniversary! Can you believe it's already been two years? In that time, we've decimated populations, ruined the global service industry, and destroyed supply chains. But we're not done yet! The release of our Omicron line last year was only the beginning. Like Apple, we're constantly dreaming up new, infectious ideas. Come stop by our booth at SXSW this week to check out our new offerings! They're sure to take your breath away.

Daylight Saving History

Daylight Saving Time has returned to the U.S. once more! But how did this strange changing-of-the-clocks process begin? Scott's Edition presents a timeline of saving time:

May 1, 1916: Germany adopts daylight saving time as an effort to conserve fuel during World War I. With daylight lasting later, people would not need to light their homes as long before going to bed.
Feb 9, 1942: Franklin D. Roosevelt implements "war time." "Light later in the day helps conserve energy, plus I'll get some extra time away from the wife!," he quipped to reporters.
Jan 21, 1969: In his second day in office, Richard Nixon institutes daylight saving time from March through September, explaining, "Man! I just can't stand to be around my wife at the end of the day! This is the whole reason I ran for President! Yes!!!"
Nov 1, 2001: President George W. Bush extends daylight saving time through mid-November, stating, "Did you see all the ghosts and zombies walking around last night? It's just so scary in the dark!"
March 13, 2022: President Biden announces that daylight saving time will now be year round. When reporters asked about the decision, he explained, "You kiddin' me? I get to be President for one less hour? Sign me up!" He then shot 'finger guns' at the reporters and rode away in an electric Ford F150.

Spot the Difference

Can you spot the one difference between the two images below?

Image 01:

Image 02:

Answer Below

Comics Described

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.

Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for March 10, 2022

In the first panel, our favorite three characters sit together in a diner. Pig and Goat each hold a cup of coffee and have a plate set in front of them. Rat stands to the side holding a wooden mallet. Goat asks, "Hey, Rat... Why'd you bring your croquet mallet to the diner."

In the second panel, Rat responds to the pair, "To whack each and every person I can find who's been posting their Wordle scores on social media."

In the final panel, Rat continues to hold his mallet. We see the two plates, yet Pig and Goat have vanished. Rat closes the strip by stating, "At least there'll be no wait for a table."

Ha! Can't disagree with Rat! People at diners definitely deserve to be injured for having pride in their word-game skills!

Spot the Difference Answer: Image 02 is 30 years later! You can tell the Queen regrets that kiss!

Thanks for reading!

Happy belated birthday to Sam V. and happy early birthday to Zach D.!

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I'm Scott, and this is Scott's Edition. Have a great start to the week!

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