Scott's Edition 54: Vaccination Penalties

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January 23, 2022

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The Name Behind the News

January 23, 2022

Edition 54: Vaccination Penalties

1, 2, 3! That’s today’s date and, interestingly enough, the three non-zero integers with the smallest absolute value. Yup, my math is just as good as my writing. We’ve got a lot of great stories to discuss today, so with that, let’s dive into this week’s news!

Weekly Stats

# of U.S. COVID cases (7-day average)

744,616, ↓ 5.0% since last week

% of U.S. population fully vaccinated

63.2%, ↑ 0.5% since last week

Stock prices

Worse, ↓ from bad since last week

Average age of NFC Divisional round NFL coaches

40.75

Average age of Tom Brady

44.5

As Richmond's self-proclaimed arbiter of the written word, I'm always looking for a way to make the English language more elegant. I've consulted with Hollywood writer Jordan Dumbroff to fill the void. Each week, we'll add a new, much needed word to the English language!

Gumbulate

/gum-byoo-let/

noun

When a large man drinks from a tiny cup.

Ex:

Harry, Ron, and Hermione burst through the door of the tiny hut on the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Hagrid set down his espresso as he noticed the shocked expressions on the three students’ faces.

“What?” he grumbled, “You three look like you’ve never seen a gumbulet before!”

Hermione turned away and shouted, “We’ve seen a gumbulet, Hagrid! Just please put some pants on!”

Week in Review

Online Learning: Arizona State University announced plans to enroll 100 million students from around the world in free online classes. “No thanks,” said students from around the world.

Oh, Mitch: On Wednesday, Senator and human tortoise Mitch McConnell sparked backlash after stating, “If you look at the statistics, African American voters are voting in just as high a percentage as Americans.” McConnell responded to the social media outcry by explaining, “This is a complete misunderstanding. I’m not a racist! I have both black friends and regular friends.”

HIMYF: How I Met Your Father, a spinoff of the popular sitcom, How I Met Your Mother, debuted this week. Bob Saget, the narrator of the earlier series, was given a sneak-preview screening of the new series two weeks ago. Police have not yet confirmed whether the screening was the cause of death.

SPONSORED BY SOME FAKE THING

Here's the tagline for that thing

Do you have this problem, conundrum, or issue? Well, Some Fake Thing is here to help. Some Fake Thing provides the solution to that problem, which is why we mentioned that problem in the first place! To clarify, you pay us money for this product, and then the product solves the problem it's designed to solve. And we're advertising it right here! If you pay the amount that it costs, it can be yours today!

The Growing Cost of Not Vaccinating

Ever since Covid vaccines became widely available in the US in early 2021, more and more jurisdictions are raising the cost of not getting pricked. From indoor bans to vaccine passports, we're here to provide a comprehensive list of restrictions across the country.

New York City, San Francisco, and LA have all implemented laws banning those without a vaccine card from entering bars, restaurants, gyms, and entertainment venues.
Google, Facebook, and other large employers have imposed employee vaccine mandates, meaning those that choose not to take the vaccine could be terminated.
Bridgeport High School in West Virginia implemented a new policy where senior boys can only ask vaccinated girls to homecoming. The policy goes on to explain, "Boys can also choose to go alone, but they will be made fun of by the popular students."
The Justice League is requiring that all members either get the vaccine or wear face masks when fighting crime. In response, anti-vaxxers Superman and Wonder Woman have joined the Avengers who have not yet implemented a mask policy.
Delta has announced that unvaccinated customers will have to miss their next flight. American has announced the same policy, regardless of vaccination status.

One Real Thing - Remembering Sam

My grandfather, Sam Levine, passed away on Tuesday. I don’t say this to make you sad or to seek out condolences. Rather, I say this to pass on a few very cool stories about a great man.

Story #1 – Jeopardy

Sam was a 4 x Jeopardy champion in the late 1960s. My dad, only 5 or 6 at the time, watched Sam compete against a black man and a woman. He asked my grandmother, “Which one’s daddy.” It’s a good thing Sam was better than my dad at trivia.

Story #2 – Marine Draft

In the early 1950s, Sam was in the army in the Artillery School at Fort Bliss. Their unit was randomly given a test. After they finished, their Superior Officer announced that Sam had scored the highest and would have the distinction of being the first Marine ever drafted (previously, all service was voluntary). Thankfully for me and for your inboxes on Sundays, Sam told the Officer that he was looking to start a family (and that his mother would kill him if he joined the Marines). There were several other soldiers who wanted the distinction, so they agreed not to take him. In 1956, he married my grandmother.

Story #3 – From Rags to Lots of Rags

After Sam left the army, he started a small business in New York selling sponges out of the backseat of his partner’s car. Over time, and with the help of his three sons, he grew this business into one of the largest housewares distributors in the tri-state area. Go check your drinking glasses. If they have a small script “L” on the bottom, there’s a chance they went through his warehouse (I’ll pretend the “L” stands for Levine, but really it stands for Libbey, one of their manufacturing partners).

Story #4 – Reunited

My grandfather passed away on the 18th, a lucky number called “Chai” in Hebrew. Chai translates to “life” and is where the common phrase L’chaim or “to life” comes from. I think this is fitting because, knowing Sam, he wouldn’t have wanted people to feel sad about his death, but rather to celebrate all of the life he brought into the world. I think it’s also fitting that he was reunited with my grandmother on Friday, their 66th anniversary.

My grandfather also loved humor, so let’s end this thing on a fun note with some Comics Described.

Comics Described

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.

The Flying McCoys by Glenn McCoy and Gary McCoy for January 23, 2022

We have a single panel cartoon and boy is it visual. In the foreground, we see a plane. Inside the plane is a pilot talking to a co-pilot. In the background, we see a small island in the middle of the ocean. On the island, a shirtless man with a scraggly beard waves his hands over his heads. He's laid out rocks in front of him in an attempt to spell out a word.

The pilot asks, "How can I be sure it's the missing doctor?"

To which the co-pilot replies, "Just trust me."

Ha! That's a great joke! Because doctors traditionally have very poor handwriting!!!

Thanks for reading!

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