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December 5, 2021

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The Name Behind the News

December 5, 2021

Edition 50: Scottify Wrapped

Happy Hanukah! Happy eighth night to be exact. Finally, I can stop explaining to my non-Jewish friends why the holiday is sometimes in December and sometimes in November. If you're wondering, it's because Jews don't like to adopt new things. Old Testament, old calendar, old people living in Boca Raton... it's what we do.



With that, let's dive into this week's news!

Weekly Stats

# of U.S. COVID cases (7-day average)

86,413, ↓ 8.5% since last week

% of U.S. population fully vaccinated

59.6%, ↑ 0.5% since last week

Omicron's number order in the Greek alphabet

15, unchanged since 3000 BSE*

# of old white men on the Supreme Court

5 of 9

Regular season record of D1 football programs in Virginia

34-23... thanks to JMU for bringing up the win count

*BSE - Before Scott's Edition

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As Richmond's self-proclaimed arbiter of the written word, I'm always looking for a way to make the English language more elegant. I've consulted with Hollywood writer Jordan Dumbroff to fill the void. Each week, we'll add a new, much needed word to the English language!

Travasces

/trah-vah-ses/

noun

  1. Literal deep grooves (i.e. a trench)
  2. Metaphorical deep grooves (i.e. the deep innards of one's mind)

Ex: "Hark, my Lady, and come hither, for thine remote controller hath fallen through the travasces of my couch, and a new episode of The Bachelorette hath already begun."

Week in Review
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Fantasy Football: Last week, Tampa Bay Bucs wide receiver Antonio Brown led the league in FVCs. For those new to Fantasy Football, that stands for, "Forged Vaccination Cards." He and Aaron Rodgers are now tied for the season.

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Remembering Sondheim: Musical composer legend Steven Sondheim, who gave us classics like West Side Story, Gypsy, and Sunday in the Park with George, died last Friday. He was last seen alive on his way to get a haircut on Fleet Street.

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Supremely Ridiculous: On Wednesday, nine Supreme Court Justices started the legal process to determine how 80 million women in the U.S. get to make decisions about their own body. Of those nine members, six are over the age of 60, and the other three were appointed by Donald Trump. I don't have a punch line for this one, because I thought it was already a big enough joke.

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SPONSORED BY CUOMO CONCEALER™

A P&G Product

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Started by two brothers in 2020, Cuomo Concealer™ is the hottest new Procter & Gamble makeup brand. This product will cover up everything! From zits to age spots, just dab on a little Cuomo Concealer and the public will never know about it. That's not all! This concealer can be used to touch up corpses at open casket funerals. You read that right; the Cuomo brothers have figured out how to cover up old people deaths! The best part is that this concealer ships directly to you, leading to their slogan: "It's not diverted, it's just Italian!"

Water Cooler Talk - College Football Playoff

Get ready for your company holiday party with some quick hitting one-liners to impress your boss. Don't watch sports? Have no fear, because Scott's Edition has you covered.

  • Say, "It's about time Michigan won a Big 10 Championship!"
    • This shows you keep up with the latest games. After beating Iowa yesterday, Michigan has won one of the most elusive championships in all of sports: a Big 10. Iowa's 6'-4", 308 lb. linebacker Josh Volk was the last of the 10 biggest players in college football. And Michigan beat them all this year. Congrats to the Wolverines!
  • Ask, "Do you think Alabama and Georgia will end up playing again?"
    • This shows you understand history. These teams played yesterday, but their parents called them in for dinner before time ran out leading analysts to believe that the teams will play again. 
  • Exclaim, "Good for Cincinnati!"
    • This shows you stand up for the little guy. Specifically, the city of Cincinnati. The College Football Championship will be held in Indianapolis, just 2 hours West of Cincinnati. All of the Alabama and Georgia fans driving to the game will stop over for some of Cincy's world famous chili and gyros, creating a major economic boom.

Hope this helps! Let us know if you've got any other water cooler tips that you'd like to share.

Scottify Wrapped
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Comics Described

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.

Robert Ariail for December 02, 2021

We've got a single panel cartoon today. We see an angry looking man wearing a red "MAGA" hat and a "No Mask On Me" shirt with a snake on it (a play on the Gadsden Flag from the late 1700s). He holds a sign that reads, "Biden Vaccine Mandate = Tyranny." Below the text is the word "Vax" behind a crossed-out circle. The man explains, "And another thing - Biden's been a complete failure in stopping COVID!" 



Laugh out loud! The juxtaposition between his refusal to follow Biden's policies and his assertion that Biden's policies aren't working is just so comical!

Thanks for reading!



Carly, congrats on your engagement to Evan! Evan says he never reads Scott's Edition, so he can piss off.

 

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