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September 6, 2021

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The Name Behind the News

September 6, 2021

Edition 44: F**k Texas

F**k Texas! But if you do that, and Texas gets pregnant, Texas will be forced to have the child. With this new, backwards, male supremacist, dystopian, Handmaid's Tale-esque law in place, let's dive into this week's news!

Weekly Stats

# of U.S. COVID cases (7-day average)

161,327, ↑ 3.5% since last week

% of U.S. population fully vaccinated

52.32%, ↑ 0.85% since last week

# of college football games played this week

83, ↑ 78 since last week

Inches of rain in Central Park between 8:50 and 9:50 PM on September 1st

A massive 3.15 inches

Response from guys everywhere hearing that 3.15 inches is massive

"Nice"

World Weather: Today, Mount Washington, NH reported 80 miles of visibility, the highest in the world. For reference, that's like being able to see 5 miles further than 75 miles.

Week in Review

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Natural Disasters: This week, yet another disaster ripped through the US, making Americans wonder what systems we can put in place to prevent the next one. And after everyone was finished watching Drake's new music video, Hurricane Ida hit.

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American Priorities: Earlier this week Hurricane Ida smashed the Northeast with record breaking rainfall, winds, and damage and at least 50 deaths. On the plus side, this blatant indication of the accelerating climate crisis has prompted US leaders to reprioritize their agendas. "Natural disasters are worsening," explained Texas Governor Greg Abbott, "So we must focus on limiting women's rights and reducing the ability for minorities to vote."

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Health Experts: According to Gallup, 68% of Americans with a postgraduate degree are pro-choice vs. only 33% of Americans with no college experience. And when it comes to medical expertise, I firmly believe both groups should have an equal say. So, when I broke my wrist the other day I went to my non college educated doctor who prescribed a three-week regimen of "rub some dirt in it."

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SPONSORED BY WHISTLES FOR WHISTLEBLOWERS

They control your body, you control their sleep schedule

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The new Texas anti-abortion law is terrible for women seeking to make informed choices about their own bodies, but Whistles for Whistleblowers can make it slightly better. Any Texan can now go to WfW's website to report someone they believe to have reported a woman seeking an abortion. WfW will take care of the rest. 



That's right; we'll send one of our volunteers with a top-of-the-line Fox 40 Sonik Blast whistle to stand outside the whistleblower's house all night, whistling away. If that's not enough, each volunteer also carries a Spyder III portable laser pointer they'll use to shine through their window. We guarantee they'll get so little sleep that they wish they'd never been born.

Water Cooler Talk - College Football

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Head back to the office on Tuesday ready to wow your coworkers without spending hours of your life watching sports. Scott's Edition has done the research for you. Here are a few thought-provoking one-liners now that college football is back!

  • Say, "I bet Alabama will run the table this year."
    • This shows you understand trends. Each year, the team with the best record after three games is chosen to host the College Football Poker Tournament. Alabama looked good in their opening game against Miami making them the favorite to run the poker table.
  • Ask, "Do you think Clemson can come back from their loss?"
    • This shows you're looking to the future. Clemson, the #3 ranked team, lost their opening game to Georgia. In protest, angry Clemson fans daisy-chained themselves between the University's gates, preventing the team bus from coming back to campus. So far, the demonstration has been peaceful, but analysts are worried about what could happen when the football players get tired of sitting on the bus.
  • Exclaim, "Can you believe the Bruins beat Orgeron's LSU team?"
    • Honestly, this one isn't related to college football at all, though it's still a good talking point. "Bruin" is another word for bear. "Orgeron" is simply a misspelling of Oregon, the state threatened by recent wildfires. "LSU" is an acronym that stands for "Last Stand Unit," a group of brave firefighters acting as the last line of defense. This year, Oregon's Last Stand Unit competed with local bears to see who could put out more fires. The bears utilized some novel stream diversion tactics to put out more fires than the LSU team this year. Good job, Bruins!

Brendon's 'Wiches, by Brendon Kargl

Review of "The Reuben Package" from Katz's Delicatessen

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This sandwich is a legend. It's what all sandwiches aspire to be. Famous worldwide and universally loved, this is the Red Hot Chili Peppers of sandwiches. If someone says they don’t like the Chili Peppers... they don’t like music, and that’s weird. Same goes for this sandwich. Katz’s Delicatessen has been cranking out hits in the Lower East Side of Manhattan since 1888. 133 years later, and with the help of groundbreaking thermally insulated packaging, Katz’s will deliver the same high quality ingredients anywhere in the USA, allowing you to create your own hit single.



Enter “The Reuben Package." Katz’s will send you a heaping box of corned beef or pastrami, Swiss cheese, pickles, fresh NY baked rye bread, and all the fixings. Ingredients are carefully packaged in one of the most sustainable and effective cold-chain insulation options available: ClimaCell by TemperPack. Straight from the unboxing experience, Katz’s commitment to quality is clear. Meat and cheese arrive vacuum-wrapped and chilled to the perfect temperature. No leakage was evident from any of the jarred containers.



The Reuben Package from Katz’s yields four delicious sandwiches. The box includes a card to describe how to heat up the meat, but not how to construct the sandwich. Not a problem - I’ve included instructions here: 



Step 1: Use the ingredients to make a sandwich. 



This thing went down in about 90 seconds. I wish I spent more time enjoying it, but I’ll just make another one. It’s that good. Individually the ingredients are all at the top of their game. Combined, they create a supergroup of flavors never experienced outside of New York City until now. After having the pleasure of ordering a Reuben from the New York location years ago, I can confidently say nothing was lost in the quality or flavor of the sandwich. Plus, you'll have leftover ingredients to experiment with.



Now excuse me while I wrap a pickle in Swiss cheese and dunk it in Russian dressing.



Check out Brendon's bonus review of the thermal packaging and double bonus review of the Brooklyn Six Point Brewing "Anti-Resin" beer here.



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Comics Described

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.

FoxTrot by Bill Amend for September 05, 2021



In panel 1, Roger Fox lays in a hammock, beer in hand. His son, Jason Fox, tells him, "It seems weird that people get the day off on Labor Day."



In panel 2, Roger stares at Jason as the boy continues, "It's like the complete opposite of what you'd expect."



In the third panel, Jason completes his explanation with, "People should be laboring on Labor Day! Don't you agree?"



In panel 4, Jason's tongue is out and he is sweating. The boy struggles to push a lawnmower and comments, "It's never a good sign when a parent says 'Yes' that quickly."

From off-panel, his Dad yells, "When you're done with that, my car needs washing."



Oh Jason, look at the hijinks you've gotten yourself into this time. When will he learn?!?

Thanks for reading!

Have a happy Labor Day!

 

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