(Takin it to) The House Always Wins

1926. Albert Einstein is frustrated. You know who I mean, don’t you? Al Einstein, the wild-haired genius who looked like he got styled by a tornado. Or an electric socket.



Al wants uniformity and scale. His theory of relativity is meant to nail down how space, time and gravity are interconnected. Especially time and space, which are not absolute but RELATIVE (that’s the theory - you remember right? “theory of relativity”) to an observer’s motion and gravity is the direct result of mass and energy warping space time.



I’ll make it easy. When you’re using GPS, you might as well have Sweet Al Einstein in the passenger seat as you drive. Because the curvature of space time, the speed of satellites, something called “Net Effect” and that pesky E=MC2 theory are practical applications of Mr. Einstein’s brilliant Theory of Relativity.



OK. So it’s 1926. Al is frustrated and grumpy and scribbles a letter to his pal Max Born (not quite as nerdy but a player in the game) and writes the following: “GOD DOESN’T PLAY DICE.” (Probably “got wurfelt nicht”). I’ll take it a step further and propose Mr. Einstein meant “GOD DOES NOT PLAY DICE WITH THE UNIVERSE.”



So. I locked onto the theory when I watched college and pro football over the past couple of weeks. WILD games. The Denver Broncos scored 33 points in ONE QUARTER for example. The New York Jets - who were on their way to a season of 17 losses without a victory - scored 23 points in the last quarter of their game in Cincinnati to earn an improbable 39-38 victory. To piggyback on the Jets, they have a rookie tight end named MASON TAYLOR (my name in reverse) who was instrumental in the win!



TAYLOR MASON.

MASON TAYLOR.

TAYLOR SWIFT!

We’re all related. Everything is connected to everything. And when Swifties are calling out where the “mike” linebacker is so that Travis Kelce can adjust to a skinny post down in the red zone, I think I have made a pretty good case that The Theory of Relativity is not just alive and well, it is critical to Name Likeness Image (NIL for those of you not following big time college athletics), betting and fantasy football.



THE UNIVERSE IN WHICH WE LIVE, MIRRORED BY FOOTBALL, IS PURE CHAOS!



The Big Ten conference, originally named for its 10 members, now has 18 (is that due to President Trump’s tariffs?).



The Atlantic Coast Conference has teams from the Pacific Coast in it!



A university whose team name is Hoosier (isn’t that a Dr. Seuss story? “Horton had a Hoosier?” ranked second-best in the USA (Indiana University).



Albert Einstein is no doubt orbiting in his grave (probably as a perihelion, but please don’t get me started).



Enter the world of gambling, prognostication, and sports betting.



I am guessing the good folks at Draft Kings and FanDuel are wondering if, given the fact that Einstein predicted precise derivations in the Perihelion (there’s that word again!) Motion of Mercury, he might have stumbled onto the key, the golden ticket to help with fantasy football and winning your fantasy league this year!

I can hear Albert:

Sure, I can help you! It’s all about mass! The measure of an object’s inertia, the degree of resistance to being accelerated by a force - the measure of an object’s gravitational effect!

The ball, the trajectory of a forward pass or lateral, a running back juking and spinning and sticking his foot in the ground to change direction! Do you understand?

Sure, the mass of the players and so on. But we should be able to predict football games! And The Oscars! Yes, yes, sports, elections and awards shows, you have a lot of variables. With sports its mass and energy - E=MC2. That means ‘Endzone Equals Man Coverage Squared (Double Covered)! Don’t you get it?!

Now with awards shows you have all sorts of quantum potential. The quantum world consists of tendencies, not actualities. So, a nominated actress has measured attributes which may be determined by other galaxies and events from the future.

At this point you might be asking yourself, “does this mean everything that happens in the universe is too complicated to bet on?

The answer is NO! LISTEN TO ALBERT EINSTEIN! The universe is like a big craps game, okay? Instead of a Euclidean 3-dimensional table, you’ve got a 4-dimensional space-time curvature.

Sure, Einstein said “God doesn’t play dice.” But my fellow believers know the truth:

GOD PLAYS DICE. BUT THE DICE ARE LOADED. HE IS THE HOUSE AND THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS!

That is the Unified Theory in a nutshell: Gott Crap Out Nicht!

Now gimme Jonathan Taylor, Jaxson Smith-Niigba, Aman St. Brown and the Philadelphia Eagles as my fantasy roster. See you in the Perihelion!

Thanks for reading!
Taylor



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Thank you for reading,

Taylor



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