Pickleball

Pickleball

Here comes summer! The sun! The beach! The fun!

Activities!

And pickleball.

Pickleball. It sounds like something you’d find in a jar right next to the olives, the misgivings and the remorse.

Instead, it is the fastest growing sport in the USA. Which makes sense in a weird, artificial-intelligence, CGI-infused, nothing-is-what-it-looks-like kinda way. We LOVE things that do not require running, jumping or any actual physical fitness. What are the requirements for this sport? A paddle, a whiffle ball and an overwhelming fear of intimacy.

Wait. It’s a sport?

Right. OK. It’s a sport. Just like tennis.

Yeah, it’s just like tennis if tennis got drunk, fell over and said, “Fine… let’s play here.”

DO NOT POKE FUN AT PICKLEBALL! The players take it seriously. It is more than a “sport.” It is IMPORTANT. There are lessons! Leagues! Rankings! And, maybe just as critical, there are OUTFITS! I saw a man this morning wearing moisture-wicking neon lime green shorts, thwacking a plastic ball over a waist-high net and I honestly thought he was serving an eviction notice to his dignity and self-esteem.

(This isn’t important, but does anyone really know what wicking is?)

A NOTE: “thwack” is the official sound of paddle-on-whiffle-ball. If you live within shouting distance of a pickleball court, you will spend this summer subjected to the rhythm section for a very, very, bad alt-country band. Or maybe it’s a middle school orchestra that ran out of funding so now the percussion section is a triangle, a tambourine and Kevin with the pickleball paddle. Whatever, it is annoying and makes you wanna wear noise-canceling headphones for the next three months.

And who plays pickleball? It’s not the kids. It’s not college grads or Gen Z. Nope. It’s the BOOMERS! Yep, they’re here, they’re retired and they’re crabby. Plus, they have now claimed their own “sport.” Having lived through recessions, disco, COVID, a couple of wars and cable news, this is THEIR TIME! This is their new war! “KAREN! There's no double-fault in Pickleball! You blew it! That’s two push-ups and no chardonnay for you!”

Please understand. It is exercise, at least to a point, and that is a good thing. I’m glad for them. Really. But the attitude that they have discovered the fountain of youth by playing ping-pong on half a basketball court is wrong. Pickleball is not athletic. They’re cardio-curious mall walkers with paddles.

And now? They’re taking over the tennis courts! Tennis players - emphasis on PLAYER, because this is a sport, and these are real athletes - tennis players are mad. Who can blame them?

Have you ever seen a tennis player getting displaced by a pickleball player? Sad. Let me paint the picture: it’s like watching a lion lose its territory to a squirrel with a fanny pack and a head band.

OH! I almost forgot! The name: PICKLEBALL!?!?!? Every little leaguer, every youth soccer player, every community center 12-and-under basketball player will tell you that you cannot possibly have a serious sport with the word “pickle” in the name.

NO ONE HAS EVER SAID THE FOLLOWING: “He died doing what he loved: playing Pickleball!”

I don’t care if it sounds intolerant. You want a sport? Try something where you might lose a tooth! Even golf and bowling have more inherent danger (I have to admit I have always felt golf would be enhanced if there were some defensive ‘players’ in the trees lining the fairway….)

You should at least break a sweat. Having a sunburn in the shape of a visor is NOT a sports injury.

Although there is a nagging truth that becomes more acknowledged every year in pickleball. And that is the ever-growing injury list. It is significant. Here are the most common damages to the human body from aging Americans playing a non-contact, non-athletic, non-intensity sport: sprains, strains, fractures, soft-tissue and knee injuries and detrimental effects on the psyche.

The physical toll that has afflicted so many who play the game named for a gherkin, has resulted in what will soon become the nom-du-jour for the boomers favorite activity.

And the name that will soon replace “PICKLEBALL?”

CRIPPLEBALL!

Now THAT sounds like a sport!

Thanks for reading!

Taylor

Podcasts Spotify Cameo Irreversible (my book)